1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
