Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
