I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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