his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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