I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i think i have herpe
just one?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
