I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
