Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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