he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
