dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
