I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I love having hate sex.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
