Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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