There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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