OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
