My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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