I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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