In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
