I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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