why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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