Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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