also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
