Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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