2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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