if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
