I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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