Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
