I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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