I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
