I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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