I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
