State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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