I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
