Pappa wants mamma naked
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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