1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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