I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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