I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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