Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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