I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
