i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
