John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
