What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
That accounts for only three of the penises
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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