I wish my penis had an off switch
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
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I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
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It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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