It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
