You're my little dorito
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
