Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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