U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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