I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
