Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
