when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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