I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
