i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
