I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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