I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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