note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
