I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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