Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
