fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
