i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Success! We fucked roommates!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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